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The Topical - deep links to episodes

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May 20 2021:The Final Episode Of The Topical
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Feb 5 2021:Papa John’s Comes Under Fire For Cruel Treatment Of The Bulbous, Deformed Creatures That Lactate Pizza Sauce
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Feb 4 2021:Scientists Warn Americans To Stay Away From That Bird
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Feb 3 2021:Nation’s Arborists Once Again Urge Congress To Lower The Age Of Consent For Trees
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Feb 2 2021:Paleontologists Determine Dinosaurs Were Killed By Someone They Trusted
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Feb 1 2021:Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God
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Jan 29 2021:Nation’s Hypnotists Announce You Are Now Under Their Command
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Jan 28 2021:Deer Shot By Obsessed Fan
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Jan 27 2021:Dept. Of Homeland Security: ‘Has Anybody Seen A Blue Folder?’
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Jan 26 2021:Fun Toy Banned Because Of 3 Stupid Dead Kids
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Jan 25 2021:Congress Investigating Why Capitol Dome’s Atomic Vaporizing Ray Wasn’t Deployed To Eviscerate Rioters
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Jan 22 2021:UFC Announces Their Athletes Will Now Be Allowed To Fight Each Other Through The Court Of Law
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Jan 21 2021:Secret Service Agent Heroically Dives In Front Of Strong Breeze That Could Have Killed Biden
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Jan 20 2021:Biden Announces Nation Will Rejoin Paris Hilton Fan Club
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Jan 19 2021:New Erectile Dysfunction Startup Sends Ripped, Virile Man Directly To Your Door To Bang Your Spouse
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Jan 18 2021:Exhausted Researchers Inform Public Covid Vaccine Won’t Shrink You Down To Size Of Ant
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Jan 15 2021:Animal Shelter’s Free Adoption Day Not Even That Good Of Deal
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Jan 14 2021:Shocked Authorities Discover Dozens Of Bodies Being Kept In Hospital Morgue
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Jan 13 2021:Majority Of Young Children Go Missing The Moment Parent Turns Attention Toward Themself For One Goddamn Second
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Jan 12 2021:Report: Leading Cause Of Death Still Venturing Beyond The Pines
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Jan 11 2021:Government Lobbyists Call For Members Of Congress To Play A Little Harder To Get
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Jan 8 2021:Hundreds Killed In Brutal Pro-Something-Anti-Something Clash
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Jan 7 2021:New Food Safety Law Requires Restaurant Workers To Take Full Bubble Bath After Using Restroom
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Jan 6 2021:Northwestern Hospital Apologizes After Accidentally Switching Couple’s Baby With Random Man In Emergency Room
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Jan 5 2021:Serial Killer Clearly Gunning For ‘Parking Lot Butcher’ Nickname
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Jan 4 2021:Congress Swoons Over Newly Elected Bad Boy Who Believes Amendments Were Made To Be Broken
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Dec 24 2020:Santa Claus: ‘Ho, Ho, Ho! I Saw You Masturbating!’
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Dec 23 2020:Astronomers Say December 24th Will Be Best Chance To See Santa Until 2021
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Dec 22 2020:Report Finds Majority Of Business Leaders Visited By 3 Spirits Make No Changes To Lifestyle
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Dec 21 2020:Pope Maintains Divine Buzz By Microdosing Eucharist Throughout Day
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Dec 18 2020:Hottest Toys For the Holiday Season That Your Daughter’s New Stepfather Will Probably Get Her To Make You Look Bad
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Dec 17 2020:Health Officials Warn Holiday Travel Could Cause Spike In Millions Of Americans Falling For Old Hometown Flame
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Dec 16 2020:CDC Announces Children Will Be Last To Receive Covid Vaccine Because What Are Those Little Twerps Going To Do About It
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Dec 15 2020:Nation’s Moms Demand Christmas List
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Dec 14 2020:Nation Worried After Catholic Church Issues Really Vague Apology
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Dec 11 2020:All The News That 83-Year-Old Tabitha Williams Wants To Hear, As She’s The Only Listener Who Pledged More Than $25 To The Topical’s Patreon This Month
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Dec 10 2020:Rising Coronavirus Cases Force Chicago To Set Up Temporary Bars In Hospitals
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Dec 9 2020:Barack Obama Enrolls In Self-Defense Classes After Trump Rolls Back Secret Service Protection For Former Presidents Named Barack Obama
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Dec 8 2020:Brian Kemp Unveils Specially Trained Hogs That Can Root Out Voter Fraud
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Dec 7 2020:Pope Francis Bags 6-Winged Trophy Angel During Vatican’s Annual Seraphim Hunt
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Dec 4 2020:Baboon Couple Sues National Geographic For Distributing Private Sex Tape
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Dec 3 2020:Study Finds Adults Over 50 Should Get Colonoscopy To Determine Whether Aliens Are Controlling You From The Inside
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Dec 2 2020:Nation’s Long-Haired Old Men In Flowy Linen Shirts Announce You Are Loved
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Dec 1 2020:Inside The Sacred Temple Where ‘People’ Magazine’s Ancestral Editors Choose Their Sexiest Man Alive Each Year
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Nov 30 2020:Newly Uncovered DNA Evidence Frees Thousands Of Damned Souls From Hell
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Nov 26 2020:American Obesity Epidemic Traced To Single Heavyset ‘Mayflower’ Passenger
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Nov 25 2020:Humane Society Urges Americans To Opt For Shelter Turkey This Thanksgiving
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Nov 24 2020:Anti-Jacketers Rally Outside Burlington Coat Factory To Protest Liberal Cold Weather Conspiracy
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Nov 23 2020:Monsanto Lab On Lockdown After Scientists Find Shattered Tomato Containment Unit
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Nov 20 2020:Hormel CEO Dares Anyone To Try And Come For His Chili Empire
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Nov 19 2020:Man Hasn’t Heard Or Read Single True Thing In 6 Years
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Nov 18 2020:New Study Reveals Majority Of Memory Lapses Brought On By Visiting Government Black Site
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Nov 17 2020:NASA Scientists Confirm Earth Dating The Moon
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Nov 16 2020:Aryan Brotherhood Reports Record Surge In Donations On Election Night
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Nov 13 2020:Nation Regrets Not Signing Prenup After Finding Out Trump Entitled To Half Of Country’s Assets
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Nov 12 2020:New United Ultra Economy Class Tickets Lets Passengers Get Dragged Behind Plane By Giant Rope
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Nov 11 2020:Soldier Faces Difficult Adjustment To Life At Home After Long Trip To Bathroom
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Nov 10 2020:OPR Health Insurance Lists Leslie Price As Employee’s Only In-Network Primary Care Provider
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Nov 9 2020:Media Lambasts Biden Administration For Failure To Solve Coronavirus
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Nov 6 2020:Report: You Slept Through Your Alarm And This All A Dream
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Nov 5 2020:Overwhelmed White Nationalist Militia Spread Way Too Thin Plotting Attacks Against Everyone Trump Wants
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Nov 4 2020:Election Night 2020: Trump Figures He’ll Go To Bed Early And Check Election Results Tomorrow
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Nov 4 2020:Election Night 2020: Nation Already Too Drunk To Follow Election Results
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Nov 3 2020:Election Night 2020: Middle School Basketball Team Told To Play Around Voters
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Nov 3 2020:Disgusted Election Officials Unable To Count Over 5 Million Ballots That Were Clearly Used As Napkins
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Nov 2 2020:Michigan Hopes To Increase Voter Turnout By Making It Legal To Cast Ballot By Stepping Outside And Shouting Candidate’s Name
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Oct 30 2020:Is Uniting The Country Possible? We Locked A Republican And A Democrat In A Room For A Week To Find Out
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Oct 29 2020:New Negative Campaign Ads Blast Voters Directly
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Oct 28 2020:American Populace Worried They’re Not Likeable Enough To Attract Good Candidate For President
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Oct 27 2020:Election Experts Worry Record Voter Turnout Could Make Nation Look Like A Bunch Of Dorks
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Oct 26 2020:Frustrated Political Scientist Patton Oswalt Attempts To Explain Gerrymandering Without Help Of Visual Aids
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Oct 23 2020:Health Experts Determine College Social Distancing Guidelines Still No Match For The Jasonator
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Oct 22 2020:Conservatives Hopeful SCOTUS Majority Will Bring Days Of On-Demand Cervical Cancer Detection To An End
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Oct 21 2020:High Crime Rate Leading More Inmates To Consider Moving Out Of Prison
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Oct 20 2020:Report: Friends Don’t Really Think Of You As Part Of Group
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Oct 19 2020:CDC Reclassifies Majority Of Covid-19 Deaths To Being Personally Murdered By Barack Obama
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Oct 16 2020:L’Oréal Introduces New Smudge-Proof Lipstick Able To Withstand Getting Hit By Bus
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Oct 15 2020:Scientists Discover Dangerous Link Between Book Learnin’, Back Talk
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Oct 14 2020:Finland Ended Homelessness: Why Trying To Show Us Up Like That Comes Off As Insecure
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Oct 13 2020:Report: Amtrak Loses $100 Million Annually To Route Interruptions Caused By Mustachioed Villains Tying Kidnapped Damsels To Railroad Tracks
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Oct 12 2020:New Paternity Leave Policy Would Allow Fathers To Take Off Work If They Need To Appear On ‘Maury’
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Oct 9 2020:Report: Kangaroo At Petting Zoo Can’t Be Good
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Oct 8 2020:DNC Concerned Warm, Cozy Beds On Brisk November Morning Could Keep Voters From Going To Polls On Election Day
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Oct 7 2020:Piece Of Shit From Nearby Town Marries Bitch From High School
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Oct 6 2020:NASA Discovers Evidence That Life Could Exist Outside America
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Oct 5 2020:Small Town Ravished By Alejandro
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Oct 2 2020:Study: Pitbull Owners 10 Times More Likely To Bite Pedestrians Than Owners Of Other Dog Breeds
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Oct 1 2020:Local Residents Express Concern Over Homeless Shelter Being Built On Their Planet
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Sep 30 2020:Congress Aids Those Struggling With Depression By Implementing New National Suicide-Prevention Conga Line
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Sep 29 2020:White House Vows To Have Something To Stick Into Your Arm By October
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Sep 28 2020:Disney World On Lockdown After Mickey Escapes Enclosure, Rampages Through Park
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Sep 25 2020:Ornithologists Attribute Owls’ Nocturnal Lifestyle To Hard Cocaine Habit
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Sep 24 2020:Real Estate Experts Confirm Having George Clooney Living In Attic Greatly Increases Property Value
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Sep 23 2020:Napkin Industry Under Fire For History Of Holding Greasy Slobs To Impossible Beauty Standards
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Sep 22 2020:National Weather Service Warns Recent Snow-Cainado May Be Tied To Professor Barnabas T. Vile’s Weather Destabilizing Machine
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Sep 21 2020:Student Loan Debt Making It More Difficult For Millennials To Subscribe To The Topical’s Patreon Despite Incredibly Low-Priced Membership Tiers
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Sep 18 2020:Girl Scout Troop Raises Over $100,000 To Buy Corvette Because Fuck It, It’s Their Money, They Can Do What They Want
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Sep 17 2020:Diary Entries Reveal Benjamin Franklin’s Kite Experiment Was Early Attempt At Erotic Electrostimulation
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Sep 16 2020:Nation Calls For Return Of Theme Songs That Explain Show’s Whole Deal
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Sep 15 2020:NRA Issues ‘F’ Rating To Bugs Bunny For Tying Up Guns Into Pretzel Shape
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Sep 14 2020:New Disarmament Treaty Calls For World Powers To All Fire Their Nuclear Stockpiles At Fiji
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Sep 11 2020:Huge Quantities Of Primo Shit Incinerated By Feds
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Sep 10 2020:Study Finds More Americans Waiting To Start Secret Second Families Until Later In Life
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Sep 9 2020:Sephora Awarded NASA Contract To Give Moon Fresh, Fun Makeover
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Sep 8 2020:Heavenly Authorities Arrest God For Leaving Children In Overheating Planet
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Sep 7 2020:Robots Inform Artificial Intelligence Researchers That They’ll Take It From Here
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Sep 4 2020:BREAKING: Total Hunk On Roof Deck Outside Our Window
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Sep 3 2020:Zoologists Thrilled After Successfully Getting Pair Of Bengal Tigers To 69 In Captivity
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Sep 2 2020:Study Confirms It Very Easy To Be Good Parent
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Sep 1 2020:Study: Job Applicants With 4-Year College Degree Just As Successful As Those Who Lie About Having 4-Year College Degree
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Aug 31 2020:Return To School ‘Whatever,’ Report Nation’s Angsty Teens
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Aug 28 2020:Meteorologists Warn Hurricane Laura Intensifying Into Full-Scale Reckoning For Our Eternal Sins
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Aug 27 2020:Cinephile Refugees Arrive On Rafts In Canada For ‘Tenet’ Premiere
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Aug 26 2020: Los Angeles Deploys Buzzkill Task Force To Break Up Parties
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Aug 25 2020:ExxonMobil To Simplify Oil Extraction By Cutting Earth In Half
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Aug 24 2020:Bee, Man Allergic To Bees Found Dead In Apparent Murder-Suicide
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Aug 21 2020:New Identification App Lets Hikers Categorize All Corpses They Encounter On Nature Trail
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Aug 20 2020:Tulsi Gabbard Named Democratic Nominee After Discovery Of Obscure Rule That Grants Nomination To Whoever Wins 0.7% Of The Vote In Missouri
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Aug 19 2020:Study Finds Gap Widening Between Rich Pets And Poor Americans
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Aug 18 2020:Proposed Legislation Offers Citizenship To Immigrants Who Can Play Piano So Good It Makes Everyone Cry
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Aug 17 2020:Congressional Democrats Threaten To All Wear Same Color If Trump Loses Election And Refuses To Leave Office
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Aug 14 2020:New Evidence Calls Into Question William Shakespeare’s Authorship Of ‘The Usual Suspects’
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Aug 13 2020:As If Things Weren’t Bad Enough, Snakes Still Slithering Around Out There
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Aug 12 2020:TikTok Apologizes After Inadvertently Giving Platform To Thousands Of Theater Kids
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Aug 11 2020:Trump, Biden Campaigns Unveil Bold New Mouth Sounds
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Aug 10 2020:Severely Injured Woman Heroically Fights Off Paramedics Trying To Force Her Into Medical Debt
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Aug 7 2020:NASA Announces Plans To Launch Chimpanzee Into Sun
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Aug 6 2020:Defensive Chicago Police Officer Perfectly Capable Of Disappearing Protestors Without Help From Homeland Security
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Aug 5 2020:Financial Experts Recommend Americans Set Aside Giant Mesmerizing Pearl To Rub Obsessively In Retirement
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Aug 4 2020:Nation Informs Body-Positive Advertisers It Ready To Go Back To Staring At Unattainably Attractive People
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Aug 3 2020:Town Council Votes To Rename Statue Of Robert E. Lee
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Jul 31 2020:Authorities Abandon Search For Missing Girl After Finding Huge Bass While Dredging Lake
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Jul 30 2020:Jimmy Carter Added To Mount Rushmore After Becoming 5th Former President To Bowl Perfect 300
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Jul 29 2020:Fisher-Price Announces Company Has Grown Out Of Making Stupid Toys For Babies
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Jul 28 2020:U.S. Requires Hurricanes To Quarantine For 2 Weeks Before Traveling To Other States Along Coastline
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Jul 27 2020:Nation’s CEOs Sign Pledge To Continue Fucking Over Americans
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Jul 24 2020:Study Finds Couples Who Live With Moldering Corpse Of Mother Having Less Sex
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Jul 23 2020:Frustrated Mayors Demand Constituents Stop Paying Such Close Attention To Everything They Do
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Jul 22 2020:Heavily Armed Fans Guard Statue Of Yogi Bear In Case It Turns Out He Supported Confederacy
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Jul 21 2020:CDC Horrified After Discovering Existence Of Thousands Of Public Pools
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Jul 20 2020:Spain Holds First Annual ‘Running Of The Virus’ Festival
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Jul 17 2020:Arctic’s Rapid Thawing Not Helped By Todd, A Guy Up There Rubbing His Warm Body All Over The Ice
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Jul 16 2020:Study: Majority Of Americans Not Prepared For When Sun Engulfs Earth In 7.5 Billion Years
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Jul 15 2020:IRS Announces Taxpayers Can Make Checks Directly Payable To Any Corporation Or Billionaire They Want This Year
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Jul 14 2020:New York Adds ‘No Deaf Child In Area’ Signs So Drivers Know When They Can Be As Reckless As Possible
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Jul 13 2020:Prison Guards Gun Down Inmate Trying To Escape Jail Through Transportive Power Of Reading
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Jul 10 2020:New Crest Sweepstakes Offers Chance To Win 10 Million Teeth
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Jul 9 2020:FBI Warns Teenage Cyberbullying Driving Hundreds Of Undercover Agents To Suicide
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Jul 8 2020:City Terrorized But Unimpressed By Serial Killer Who Just Shoots Victims
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Jul 7 2020:Lime Unveils Pilot Program For Inexplicable New E-Cubes
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Jul 6 2020:Victoria’s Secret Shutters Operations After Concluding Women Were Never Hot Enough To Wear Their Underwear In First Place
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Jun 26 2020:Mental Health Experts Warn Veterans’ PTSD Can Be Triggered By Sound Of Neighbors Shooting Off Fourth Of July RPGs
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Jun 25 2020:Tide Accused Of Over-Inflating Number Of Children Who Roll Around In Mud Puddles Before Running Into House
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Jun 24 2020:IBM Condemns Use Of Facial Recognition Software For Anything Other Than Matching People With Their Celebrity Doppelganger
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Jun 23 2020:Red Cross Announces It’s Fine Not To Perform Life-Saving Mouth-To- Mouth On Someone Who’s Not Your Type
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Jun 22 2020:Congress Announces Willingness To Give Black Lives Matters Protestors Statue Or Holiday
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Jun 19 2020:Mental Health Experts Advise On Best Ways To Combat Intrusive Thoughts Of Your Father Naked
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Jun 18 2020:Jimmy Carter Checks Into Rehab For Debilitating House-Building Addiction
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Jun 17 2020:Congress Moving Toward Safer Vote-By-Paper-Airplane Option
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Jun 16 2020:NRA Receives Massive Funding Increase From Donors Held At Gunpoint
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Jun 15 2020:Online Activists Raise $5 Million To Create New Martin Luther King Jr. Quote
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Jun 12 2020:Giant Pandas Finally Mate After Being Married In Catholic Ceremony
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Jun 11 2020:New Guidelines Allow Gyms To Reopen For Weak Little Bitches Who Just Diddle Around And Don’t Break A Real Sweat Anyway
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Jun 10 2020:NASA Launches Vengeance Rover To Pay Back Mars For Killing Opportunity Back In 2018
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Jun 9 2020:Panicked White Woman Calls Police On Statue Of Martin Luther King Jr.
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Jun 8 2020:New LinkedIn Feature Lets Job-Seekers Add Most Humiliating Things They Willing To Endure
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Jun 5 2020:Health Experts Warn Protests Could Set Off Second Wave Of Police Brutality
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Jun 4 2020:Mental Health Experts Recommend Bed Only Be Used For Shooting Amateur Pornography
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Jun 3 2020:Botanists Concerned By What Returning To Work Will Do To Nation’s House Plants
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Jun 2 2020:Study: Dolphins Not So Intelligent On Land
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Jun 1 2020:Florida Governor Deploys National Guard To Force Residents Back Into Malls, Movie Theaters
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May 29 2020:NASA Curious How Folks Would Feel If They Hypothetically Already Launched A Manned Mars Mission That Didn’t Go So Hot
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May 28 2020:Authorities Receive List Of Demands From Increasingly Hostile Coronavirus
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May 27 2020:What Are ‘Coronavirus Parties,’ And Why Weren’t We Invited?
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May 26 2020:Heavenly Sources Confirm Jesus Christ Will Transfer To Iowa State University After Getting Grades Up
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May 25 2020:Military Announces $2 Million Research Initiative To Find Out How Mother Of 3 Kathy Summers Able To Do It All
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